The journey to motherhood 3

In case you missed the fist two parts, here are the links to the first story and the second story

The journey to motherhood 2

If you missed the first part last week, please have a look here

Mrs B.

I am, or should I say, used to be one of those who desired to get pregnant on the wedding night. So two months into my marriage, I was already getting paranoid; sounds funny to me now, as I didn't know I had a bit of a long wait ahead. Six months into my marriage I discovered I was pregnant! You can imagine how ecstatic I was. There was nothing wrong with me after all, my husband was so happy too.

I kept telling myself I'd always heard that you didn't have to see a doctor until you are 3 months pregnant, and so I did not take any form of medication, not even folic acid! Two months into my miracle, I started seeing little stains of blood, I told myself not to worry as I'd also heard that spotting could be normal. However, a sixth sense pestered till I asked a close friend who had had a baby before, she asked what colour the stains were, I said dark red, and she got alarmed and told me not to waste any more time but to see a doctor! I had two scans from two different hospitals. The first said there was no fetal heartbeat. The second said there was after I asked. The doctor was more concerned with showing us the spot that signifies a baby and putting our minds to rest instead of telling us if all was actually well.

The journey to motherhood

Ever imagined not being able to conceive as a woman? Especially when the doctors find nothing but ask the woman to just wait. The pressure from society, the looks, the hurtful comments and constant self-blame. The excuses women/men make for partners when they say hurtful things, explanations women give when they should be focusing on themselves? etc.

We are always looking to the next thing. When will you get married? When will you have children? When will the next one come? We normalize pressure and always seem to have an opinion on how things should be. We forget that the person we have an opinion about has feelings just like we do, and it is about their lives, not something abstract. I remember talking to one of my friends in her third year of waiting to conceive. I remember the despair I heard from her, but the determination to get past the hopelessness and start living for herself once again.  I will be sharing stories from three women I know, in their own words, who had to wait for a few years to have children. 

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. Enjoy.

I broke a tooth...

I was chewing rice and bit on a stone, I felt my tooth break and next thing, I had a piece of my tooth on my palm. I didn't realise that rice here needed thorough washing as there are stones in them. I had only been here for a week when this happened. Oh, I learnt the hard way!

There is no dentist in Kibondo. Thankfully, there was no pain. I was due to go to Dar es Salaam a week from when my tooth broke so I would see a dentist then.

After looking in my mouth and doing some examination, the dentist told me the tooth was infected. It broke in a way that it could only be saved with a root canal filling. I had one of those years ago and it didn't end well. That tooth broke again and had to be extracted. She assured me that it would not be the case, as I would need to put a crown on the tooth to protect it.

Embracing futility 3

If you missed the last two parts, please read them here: part 1 and part 2

PART 3

These love birds grew closer by the day. Working in the same environment and having him ahead of her was a great feeling. There was a security she felt knowing he might be somewhere around, it gave her pleasure when they bumped into each other. She could speak her medical jargons to someone and he would get it. That someone was the one she loved and it made her walk with a spring in her step. It was the same for him, who else could he talk to? He had her to catch him, to encourage him and to boost his ego. He was sure that she would be a part of his life for a very long time.

Two years had gone by since their reunion, there were hurdles of course but they got through them. They sat one day, reminiscing on times past, talking about the times they both might have acted silly, teasing one another and laughing at each other. They did not become a boring old couple even after getting back together, they could laugh, play, tease one another, yet none would take offence. They were a couple to admire. He knew that he could not spend the rest of his life without her. She felt the same but on that subject, nobody had said a word. There were times that it haunted him, he wondered whether someone else would beat him to it, yet he could not imagine her being with any other person. There were days on her part that she wondered when this subject would be spoken about but she just watched.

Embracing Futility 2

If you missed the first part, please read it here.

Part 2

Finally he returned. To everyone’s joy, he seemed fine. Chichi heard he was back but was not bold enough to face him, yet.

Time passed, life continued, then she met someone. He came like a whirlwind, she had those butterflies every time he came around. They went from being friends to lovers so easily. He thrilled her in so many ways. One evening they had an argument, she had never seen him so angry. They attended a party and were on their way home. They gave two of her friends who lived close to her a ride, and were all chatting away. When they all fell silent, he brought the subject of their quarrel up again. She did not appreciate that they had to talk about this with her friends in the car even though they tried to speak in hushed tones. As they talked, they soon started to yell at each other. He parked the car and looked her way, she saw the coldest look ever and with one sentence, she knew it was not meant to be. "Get the fuck out of my car" he said to her.

She could be stubborn, she knew, and this was one of the days to be that way. "I am not going anywhere. If I must get out, you must make sure there is a taxi to take me home. You picked me up from mine, remember?". Her friends must have been stunned, but did not say anything. One of them made a certain hmmm sound repeatedly to show her disgust at all the drama. She made the sound in that Nigerian way that passed a clear message. Chichi sat unfazed that it drained the energy he had. He drove and she prayed, because she knew that this speed could kill them but she would not say a word. When he got to the front of her house, they all got out without even looking at him.

Embracing futility

Where will I start from she said looking at her wedding dress and choking from tears, her vision blurred from crying…

Chichi had seen Azubike while she was studying, although they never spoke. She spent a good number of years in school thanks to her course of study. 

After her studies, she stayed on in Jos for her housemanship (internship) and residency eventually. Jos was a place she could call home. The climate was perfect, it was a lot cooler than other parts of Nigeria. It was a place that brought nature close to her; the town had such lush vegetation and beautiful rocks. Jos was once her dream city; here she was living there fifteen years later.

They finally met during her housemanship (internship). He was a junior resident doctor at the time in family medicine. She started her rotations (they were moved from one department in medicine to the other), so she was in pediatrics. He was also doing a rotation in the same department. Apparently, family physicians usually have rotations in major specialties in medicine. She remembered that she saw him at some point while studying, she was on a rotation in Obstetrics and Gynecology at the time. 

The day always started with departmental meetings where the interns would give presentations on patients admitted the previous day. On days when Chichi was not on the hot seat, she would read a novel while presentations were ongoing. From time to time, she looked up to see what was going on and would catch Azubike stealing glances at her. She knew she had this admirer but feigned ignorance. They had a mutual friend, Rabi, also a doctor, who noticed what was going on and she would always tease Chichi about her admirer. Unknown to Chichi was that Azubike had spoken to Rabi, but Rabi stayed loyal to both friends by not giving anything away.