Reflections

Conflicted

Scared

Lost 

Confused

Overwhelmed

Mixed emotions all in one place.

Uncertainty

Will power

Intuition

Discretion

Wonder

A clear path to thread yet unclear how to proceed.

Responsibility to self yet responsibility to others, for the future.

Tempted

Why am I still single at thirty three, she wondered... Everyone but her could see that it was about her attitude. Although she would not accept that she gave off the impression of such an arrogant person. She was nice, no doubt but only if one took the time to know her. Not many people lasted in her life beyond the first meeting.
 

She had been with a few men in the past. Although their relationships did not work out, they remained in touch, they stayed as friends. She still had a thing for this one, Darey, they had a very strong connection while they were together. She could not even remember why they were no longer a couple. They were in different countries but they kept in touch. He planned to visit home and that kept them pleased, super pleased as there would be a possible reunion. She woke up horny a lot, probably as the anticipation to be held kept building. She had been sex starved for some time, about a year, she was looking forward to seeing him and of course…

The moment he landed, it was like he had been set free. Previously, it was like he had been on a tight leash. He had also been celibate since his last relationship which ended quite badly. He wanted to hold Lola. His last memory of her was a great one, she was one of his best girlfriends but the distance could not work for them. As he walked out with his luggage, she was right there waiting, she had that smile, that beautiful, childish smile, which was one of the many reasons he fell in love with her. They kissed and it sent rockets flying. It was a Friday and they would have the weekend together.

Embracing futility 3

If you missed the last two parts, please read them here: part 1 and part 2

PART 3

These love birds grew closer by the day. Working in the same environment and having him ahead of her was a great feeling. There was a security she felt knowing he might be somewhere around, it gave her pleasure when they bumped into each other. She could speak her medical jargons to someone and he would get it. That someone was the one she loved and it made her walk with a spring in her step. It was the same for him, who else could he talk to? He had her to catch him, to encourage him and to boost his ego. He was sure that she would be a part of his life for a very long time.

Two years had gone by since their reunion, there were hurdles of course but they got through them. They sat one day, reminiscing on times past, talking about the times they both might have acted silly, teasing one another and laughing at each other. They did not become a boring old couple even after getting back together, they could laugh, play, tease one another, yet none would take offence. They were a couple to admire. He knew that he could not spend the rest of his life without her. She felt the same but on that subject, nobody had said a word. There were times that it haunted him, he wondered whether someone else would beat him to it, yet he could not imagine her being with any other person. There were days on her part that she wondered when this subject would be spoken about but she just watched.

Embracing Futility 2

If you missed the first part, please read it here.

Part 2

Finally he returned. To everyone’s joy, he seemed fine. Chichi heard he was back but was not bold enough to face him, yet.

Time passed, life continued, then she met someone. He came like a whirlwind, she had those butterflies every time he came around. They went from being friends to lovers so easily. He thrilled her in so many ways. One evening they had an argument, she had never seen him so angry. They attended a party and were on their way home. They gave two of her friends who lived close to her a ride, and were all chatting away. When they all fell silent, he brought the subject of their quarrel up again. She did not appreciate that they had to talk about this with her friends in the car even though they tried to speak in hushed tones. As they talked, they soon started to yell at each other. He parked the car and looked her way, she saw the coldest look ever and with one sentence, she knew it was not meant to be. "Get the fuck out of my car" he said to her.

She could be stubborn, she knew, and this was one of the days to be that way. "I am not going anywhere. If I must get out, you must make sure there is a taxi to take me home. You picked me up from mine, remember?". Her friends must have been stunned, but did not say anything. One of them made a certain hmmm sound repeatedly to show her disgust at all the drama. She made the sound in that Nigerian way that passed a clear message. Chichi sat unfazed that it drained the energy he had. He drove and she prayed, because she knew that this speed could kill them but she would not say a word. When he got to the front of her house, they all got out without even looking at him.

Embracing futility

Where will I start from she said looking at her wedding dress and choking from tears, her vision blurred from crying…

Chichi had seen Azubike while she was studying, although they never spoke. She spent a good number of years in school thanks to her course of study. 

After her studies, she stayed on in Jos for her housemanship (internship) and residency eventually. Jos was a place she could call home. The climate was perfect, it was a lot cooler than other parts of Nigeria. It was a place that brought nature close to her; the town had such lush vegetation and beautiful rocks. Jos was once her dream city; here she was living there fifteen years later.

They finally met during her housemanship (internship). He was a junior resident doctor at the time in family medicine. She started her rotations (they were moved from one department in medicine to the other), so she was in pediatrics. He was also doing a rotation in the same department. Apparently, family physicians usually have rotations in major specialties in medicine. She remembered that she saw him at some point while studying, she was on a rotation in Obstetrics and Gynecology at the time. 

The day always started with departmental meetings where the interns would give presentations on patients admitted the previous day. On days when Chichi was not on the hot seat, she would read a novel while presentations were ongoing. From time to time, she looked up to see what was going on and would catch Azubike stealing glances at her. She knew she had this admirer but feigned ignorance. They had a mutual friend, Rabi, also a doctor, who noticed what was going on and she would always tease Chichi about her admirer. Unknown to Chichi was that Azubike had spoken to Rabi, but Rabi stayed loyal to both friends by not giving anything away.

Behind the mask

Are there times when you question what all the efforts you have put into literally everything you have ever done in your life is for?

It is especially distressing when all these efforts do not yield the kind of results the one putting in all the effort expects. Someone told me what her motivation was, she had lost a sense of who she was because it was consuming her, and requested that I publish this to help her heal...

Sometimes people hide behind their fears and insecurities, they live life seeking approval or trying to prove a point to others by everything they do. Then at the end, they realise that all that energy was wasted and it was not worth it afterall.

Fear, insecurity, those are monsters and those feelings can kill. They can kill your drive or drive you to your ruin.

Behind smiles, there could be deep issues of insecurity, hurt, pain, fear. 

Let it go, sometimes you just need to stop, breathe, re-evaluate your motives and decide whether your motivation is in order. Work on your shortcomings and be the best you can possibly be, then live, just live…

Lotteries

Once upon a time, I always said 'I am not lucky with lotteries'...

The European Film festival is held annually in May. Everyday, there is a raffle draw and of course a winner would emerge. Those winners are asked to come on the last day of the film festival to participate in the final raffle draw for the grand prize. I have attended for two years and the grand prize has been a return ticket. In 2013, it was a return ticket by Air France to any destination in Europe while last year, 2014, it was a return ticket by Turkish Airlines to any destination in the world.