In my feelings

Guest post alert...

A friend of mine sent me this experience of hers! I thought how she narrated it was brilliant, so I had to share (with her permission of course). Hope you enjoy reading it like I did.

He came to class. Regular dude, tall, clean shaven, a little bald... Nothing to see here. His glasses were rectangular. He wore a pink rough edged t-shirt and blue jeans. Seriously, he was just a regular man. He introduced himself to the class and we had to introduce ourselves too. After I did, he shook my hand. It was a regular handshake. Class went on... Then he called my name and asked me something. I swear I didn't hear a single word. I was lost in his lips. I was staring. He called me again then I snapped out of it. I didn't know the answer to what he asked. Then he asked if I was OK. I said yes. I just needed to get some air and I walked out of the class. I couldn't breathe. What was happening to me? I drank some water, sprinkled some on my face and went back to class. Everything was normal again.

After our lunch break, we had to set a table. It was part of the lecture, we were taking a culinary class. I thought I did a pretty good job with mine. When it was time for him to check  my work, he looked at me and smiled at the corner of his mouth. Emma, your setting is a little bit crooked.

Huh? I thought. 

Come here, stand in front of me. Do you see it? No, not really I said.  Move back a little.

Then he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me back towards him. I swear electricity flowed through my body. I wanted to just collapse to the floor. Do you see it now? He asked.

The knives do not align. I didnt see anything but I said ok.

I'll give you a nine and a half (over twenty) he said and walked away.

My heart was racing in my chest. I wondered if he felt what I felt. There was suddenly no air and I had to go out once again.

The following week, everything seemed normal. We had to be in the kitchen. And more than I could count, we either rubbed shoulders, or he hovered over my work station like a hawk. He took my knife from my hands several times and our hands touched. Each time, a current flowed through me. What could be happening to me?

During the lunch break, I bumped into him at the door and he touched my shoulder. My head spun a little bit. In Teni's voice "my head dey rotate oh. Pour water for my head oh".

Then came the week of the heatwave. It was so hot that he had to take off his glasses from time to time and every time he did, he seemed to spend more time looking at me. Many French words failed me. My brain wasn't in the right space and I didn't have internet to consult Google. He offered me a French - English dictionary and often stood over my shoulder to read with me. Each time he did, I would hold my breath. His finger on the book right in front of my chest. My head lowered, I wanted to kiss his hand.


 

So, on this day, I was just standing there and he came close to me. I wasn't alone. Must have been 10 or so of us, but I swear, I saw only him. It was like we were alone under a spotlight in my head. He towered over me and looked down at me like a street light. He wore a blue packet shirt and his eyes shone when the sunlight reflected. I tried to continue breathing and I smelt his perfume. I thought I had died. I swear I floated a little bit. He looked at me and smiled like a shy 3 year old boy. I wanted him to touch my shoulder and come closer but he didn't. I turned and faced him completely, looking up at him, my brain flipping through a series of possible questions I could ask him. I wanted to hold his hand and pull it to my waist. I wanted to hug him and let him kiss me. My breathing was heavy and I was beginning to lose my breath. I tried to snap out of my imagination. I needed to get out of my head. But I couldn't. I put my head down to try to get myself out of whatever it was that I was feeling. That was when I noticed his wedding ring. How come I never saw it before?

A small voice in my head whispered to me, the guy is married! Another voiced quickly added, and so are you madam, duh... Then I quickly walked away. I went into the toilet, locked the door and cried. I don't know why I was crying. I wasn't hurting, ashamed or afraid. I just felt empty and crying was the only thing I could think of doing.

The course is over and I may never see him again. I dream about it. About what I would do if I did see him again. I would hug him like I missed him and I would apologize afterwards. But I would keep a close distance and stare into his beautiful eyes the kind of stare that suggested a kiss. I would put his hands on my waist and wait.

If he felt this electricity, he would kiss me. If not, I would keep my silly dreams to myself.. 😔