May ~ Mental Health Awareness Month

 “Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives” – a phrase I heard regularly on TV during my childhood. One I’ve come to appreciate now. By the way, if this was part of your childhood, you probably know the TV programme I’m referring to and you’ve earned the right to be called an elder 😊 I'd be keen to know if you know which programme it is.

The sun setting over Yangon

Every sunset and sunrise come with the hope that we could still do something meaningful. We trudge on through life despite the many challenges and we sometimes take for granted the things and people we think will always be there. Someone here today may be gone tomorrow, and nothing is guaranteed. The line of everyone is fighting their own battle has become excessively popular. The world is much harder than it used to be which takes its toll on people in different ways. Mental health being one hidden part, as it doesn’t instantly show.

May, I’ve heard is mental health awareness month, and in one way or the other, we all deal with mental health issues. There used to be so much stigma around admitting to not being okay, but increasingly, people are able to speak more openly about it. There are also more resources available now to help people deal with different situations.

In certain professions, unfortunately, overworking and sometimes burnout is glorified, which leaves people assuming that it is normal. But I know from experience that speaking out is always the first step to seeking and finding a solution. People typically tend to delay speaking out or seeking professional help with mental health issues for fear of stigmatisation. 

Interestingly, I found that the World Health Organisation (WHO) and the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights (both UN agencies) have jointly developed a publication entitled "Mental health, human rights and legislation: guidance and practice". See an excerpt below:

"Mental health is growing as a public health priority and human rights imperative, and an increasing number of countries are wishing to adopt or reform legislation related to mental health. However, laws on mental health, currently often fail to address discrimination and human rights violations including in mental health care settings. In order to support countries in this area, the World Health Organisation and the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights have jointly developed the publication which you can find here: Mental health, human rights and legislation: guidance and practice (who.int)"

Reading stories of some who dealt with major mental health challenges and came out of it, some were waiting for acknowledgement or validation which never came. They were brave enough to take the bull by the horn and seek help, despite the stigma sometimes. In many cases, you have to be your own hype woman or man and make the best out of the fleeting moments of this life that you have, which includes your mental wellbeing.

Morning Walks in the Park

I go on walks early most mornings, in the park close to where I live.

With each passing day, on my morning walks, I get one more nod, one more smile, one more good morning. Different faces are now becoming familiar ones.

There are two older men who do not fail to call out, greeting good morning even before I spot them. A group of women do the same. Different people would smile, some say beautiful, some would nod and of course there are the ones who seem so grumpy and would not look at anyone but remain focused on their path. 

Occasionally you'll see young lovers, who cannot seem to get enough of one another. Hugging each other like the other person is about to disappear or kissing like their lives depend on it. I caught myself smiling at the two couples I saw this morning at different spots. I always wonder why they come out to the park so early, especially now with the heat. I digress...

There are women who sell different items, one sells breakfast packs, she would look up and greet me in their language each time. "Mingalarpar" she says so sweetly. Now, I greet her even before she notices me with that one word I know to say so well. The other one sells a local snack, she greets me with a wide smile and doesn't fail to add 'very beautiful'. The third one sells fruit, mostly papaya (pawpaw). I buy from her from time to time, so she points towards her fruit in case I am interested.

Many still stare at me in fascination. Children tug at their parents when they pass, in wonder of the difference I suppose. This morning was interesting, I was offered flowers by one of the older men and his wife. 

I had seen people with the same kind of flowers but didn't think much of it. The group of women also had flowers and were taking photos, they pulled me in for a photo. I saw the same flowers in the office with a colleague and asked her what they represented. According to her, normally these flowers bloom in April for the water festival but were late this year and have just started to bloom with the first rains.

And I slowly realise that I'm becoming part of the flora and fauna here. This place I currently call home.

NB - Mingalarpar is hello in Myanmar language

The Price to Pay

Biola reflected on the recent events that she had had to deal with. Her life had been upended in a way she never imagined would happen. She thought that she had things figured out until that fateful day. She had been so consumed by her career and getting ahead that she neglected everything else and everyone who was dear to her, until her world came crashing down.

She got home, late as usual. I’m home she called out but emptiness came back at her. She went to her bedroom, something was different, but she couldn’t figure it out immediately. Then she went to give her a son a kiss, something she did every night. But he wasn’t there. Then she noticed, a lot was gone from his room. She ran back to her room and opened the wardrobe. A good lot of her husband’s clothes were gone. She called, frantically, but he didn’t answer his phone. She was in a panic, she wondered why. She saw them in the morning before she left for work and all seemed well. Or so she thought.

Her husband was everything she had hoped for; supportive, loving, manly and he held his own. He had things going for him as well, but drew the line when it came to his family. He poured his all. He never missed any event his son was to attend, he showed up for his wife’s events and she was so proud of him. He hinted at her taking him for granted many times but was one who shied away from confrontation, so he would say his piece then move on. As work got more demanding, there were more late nights and she was grateful to him, as he catered to the home front. 

Self-Sufficiency And The Trauma We Carry

I've often wondered if the notion of “be a man”, men are not supposed to show weakness should not be seen differently. Boys just like girls are human beings and have feelings. They should be allowed to express their feelings and feel safe to show weakness and vulnerability. Teaching self-sufficiency is great, but I believe there needs to be a balance on when to reach out or speak out.

Over time I have watched this happen and the part of raising men to bottle their feelings or telling them from a young age to be tough/be a man has never sat well with me. Sadly, it leads to boys teasing one another on this subject, and eventually men doing same. Many men feel the need to not be vulnerable or act like it is wrong to cry. This unfortunately, could play out on so many levels with men taking those bottled feelings or frustrations out on the people closest to them or the society at large. They would rather find ways to cope and some of these ways could be negative coping mechanisms. In some instances, young men act out to get attention, which they would hardly ask for. But even that attention could be withheld from them due to bad behaviour. Then it spirals out of control and becomes a point of concern.

A Very African Problem

Pilar had been quite stressed at work and was looking forward to getting away from her life in Bangui, Central African Republic. It had increasingly become unsafe with more and more car jackings taking place. The curfew constantly made her feel imprisoned, it was midnight at first, then it moved to 11pm but was recently changed to 9:30pm. What could anyone possibly do before 9:30pm? The only time to socialise was during weekends, people from different organisations organised barbecues and house parties during the day. From 8pm, one by one, everyone would start to jump into their cars, contacting their various radio rooms to announce their return home, not to contravene security rules. The country was known for its constant conflicts. Rock club was always full during the weekend, of those wanting to swim, to play tennis or to just sit out in the sun. Hôtel Ledger was known for their Sunday brunch and also had a nice pool, then hôtel Oubangui, not the fanciest but had good massages. These were some of the things that helped Pilar decompress during weekends.

There Is No One Size Fits All Approach To Stress And Burn Out

Not so long ago, when reference was made to burn out and stress, there was a tendency to think it was something far fetched. Or something that had other forms in which it manifested. However, more people are coming to terms with this and how it is linked to mental health. From my experience, I realised that a good number of people are indeed stressed, burnt out and in dire need of a break. It manifests little by little, our body tells us, then as the signs accumulate, chronic stress manifests and some people never recover from it. At this time, immunity is weakened, which could easily culminate in chronic or terminal illnesses. It creeps on you slowly then spirals out of control.

In the bid to be great at what we do, we sometimes lose ourselves or forget to pay attention to ourselves. Being overworked or stressed these day seems to come with a badge of honour, which makes me wonder why we glorify stress. 

When it gets to the point where we can no longer go on or on those days when it all seems too much, one would like the world to pause for just one minute. But you realise in horror that the world can be cruel and life just seems to go on. One also wonders if some people who are able to stay disconnected from their feelings have a super power. The quick realisation of being dispensable hits differently. From holding it together for so long, it is easy to fall apart. And fall you might, very hard. Through certain kinds of events, you also get to realise which of the people around you you can really rely on. 

Can we get past this?

I think I have just the right person for you. You are smart and beautiful, I wonder why no one has taken you off the market yet. 

Boma was on Vee's case, they had been friends for a long time and she had been married for 15 years, a feat they were currently celebrating. Vee was beautiful and successful but this part of her life had been on a standstill for as long as Boma could remember. Vee was a loyal friend, as she stood there attending to guests, Boma could not help but be grateful for this friend of hers. The anniversary party turned out to be much more fun than they anticipated.

By the end of the day when they all settled down, the ladies did the usual, analysing different scenarios and laughing at some. It was always fun for them. All of a sudden, with a matter of fact look on Boma's face, I meant what I said earlier today she said to Vee. I do know someone I think you might like. Vee was not opposed to being set up, so asked for all the details. 

"The Gains of a Fitness Boot Camp"

As the sun sets in Uvira, in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo, a group of colleagues are twisting and stretching in readiness for an hour of physical activity. There is usually between six to nine staff attending this evening exercise routine that happens three times a week. It may not seem like anything out of the ordinary to take time to exercise; but for the staff of this hardship site, taking a moment to release steam in what we termed as ‘the boot camp’ is helping them cope with working under difficult conditions.

Played

It’s A Match…the familiar pop up from the dating app showed on his screen.

He didn’t care so much anymore. He had had several matches, some seemed cool while others were clearly there to grind and move on. It kept him entertained, which he was enjoying.  A few messages came in, this one seemed to know how to hold a conversation. They both were spontaneous and met same day. She was even more beautiful and charming in person. Her photos did not do her justice.

He’d been chatting with another person, they got on really well, but with the strange times in the world, they were yet to meet each other. Video calls, voice calls and chats were all useful thanks to covid, but it was wild that the whole time, 3 birthdays had passed, and she never remembered his birthday. So, for the third year, he erased hers from his memory. With this in mind, he had decided that were he to match with anyone, he would meet in person as soon as possible, then decide if they wanted to remain in touch or move on.

Dance connections

Christine was heading to the Carrefour not so far from where she lived, in the 13^th district, arrondissement, as the French called it. The 13th arrondissement is a charming area, depending on the part you live in. She lived close to the National Library of France, on the long boulevard called Vincent Auriol. That area overlooks the Seine River and all you need is within reach. Shops, metro stations, buses, restaurants, a swimming pool, clubs and a cinema. This Carrefour was three stops away from the metro stop outside her door, ‘quai de la gare’. She had just finished shopping and was waiting in line to pay when she heard someone call from behind, but she assumed he would be talking to a friend. He kept speaking like he was speaking to someone far from him, which made her look over. There was a woman right behind her, then a man before this man that was calling. She and the woman behind her burst out laughing, it was just ridiculous. The guy was relentless and said a few nice things, the one she remembers clearly; ‘if I were to wake up next to you every day, I would be happy for the rest of my life’…She did not want to believe he was talking to her but in any case, that provided entertainment for their time on the queue.

Nothing To Lose

She caught his attention as she walked in, her slim frame was the first thing he noticed. That always seemed to do the trick for him. She was bubbly and happy, her laughter was from deep within and it was infectious. They were attending a conference, so he stayed professional until they went dancing over the weekend. She could move and she filled the place with the way she danced, one could not help but notice her. He found that he got more and more drawn in, all he hoped for was that she would give him a chance.

He spent time trying to help her settle in as she would be around for a month. He constantly proposed activities, and started by picking her up for breakfast the next weekend, then showing her around town. She was a curious one so it worked out well as she had so many questions, some he could not even answer. At some point, they had to resort to google to satisfy her curiousity. They spent a pleasant day together and he found himself laughing much more than he had in a long time. Since he called it quits nearly two years ago, he had not been attracted to any woman and had started to question whether he was still normal. The hurt from those years ran deep.

Reflections on my time in Central African Republic

When I accepted a posting to Central African Republic (CAR) in 2018, a friend asked what I had done wrong to be sent here. From what I had heard, the road ahead seemed like it would be a long one.

I worked in Bertoua in the East of Cameroon in 2016, with refugees from CAR. At the time, I made a mental note not to accept a posting here, were it ever to be an option, because of the horror stories I heard.

I had no expectations whatsoever, the predominant feeling was uncertainty. These are my last days here and I am uncertain how I managed to last for 21 months! It has been quite the roller coaster and those curves have been just like the sharp twists and turns of an actual roller coaster.

Central African Republic celebrated its' 60th year of independence on August 13th 2020 which got me reflecting. To give a back ground to things, in 2013, a mostly Muslim coalition violently ousted the government. Some months later, a Christian militia sprung up to resist the Muslim group. It went further as the Christian group carried out attacks around the West of the country against Muslim communities. This degenerated and clashes between groups and against civilians continues to raise concerns. About 80% of the country is controlled by armed groups and attacks against civilians are still recurrent. 

A peace agreement was signed in 2019 between the government and 14 armed groups, but the road to implementing and respecting this agreement is a long one.

Pay Attention to Your State of Mind

"My entire sytem works with my state of mind"...these were the words I said to a friend a few days ago.

I have come to accept that being healthy is not impossible, especially as parts of our bodies are wired to work in tandem. There have been times I didn't even realise I was dwelling on an issue till my body started acting up. Sometimes we may not think anything could bothering us/may be on our minds but in general if you start to have unexplained health issues, especially where all tests come back negative, you might want to check. It might have been pushed back in your mind but nags at you.

Some of the syptoms I have noticed over time, that make me realise I need to slow down are:

- Difficulty sleeping

- Headaches and feeling light headed

- Increased indigestion, bloating, diarrhoea

Although I have no scientific proof, from my personal experience, here are some of that always solve the issue:

Nigeria's International Image & the Blight of Internet Fraud

Have you ever been judged based on your nationality?

This is something that Nigerians are very familiar with. The sad reality is that based on your nationality, you could be written off and denied countless opportunities from stereotypes attached.

I've met people who after introduction instantly said '419' or 'Boko Haram'. This is something I can never get used to. I was reading an article about Nigerian Fraudsters who were arrested in the U.A.E. This article like many others mentions that many internet fraud related acts could be traced to Nigeria. But this same article highlights the heavy blow the act of certain individuals deals on Nigerians.

These quotes from the article were my favourite:

"A lot of Nigerians are doing fantastic things all over the world, but they don't get as much media mileage as the guys doing bad things. It affects all the guys doing legitimate stuff especially in the tech space,".

"A lot of foreign companies don't ship to Nigeria, many payment platforms don't accept payments from us because it has ruined our image."

 

Spreading positivity

Is there ever a time when the world is devoid of bad news? I've consciously been putting out my thoughts to encourage people to stay positive. Over the last week, here is what I shared on different days.

 

Feel free to leave some of your thoughts in the comment section, lets spread some positivity around.

 

• Although reality checks are necessary every now and then, we sometimes may be too hard on ourselves and by extension others.
  Have the courage to be kind and have realistic expectations of yourself. Push yourself but don't forget to be loving to yourself, it makes a difference.

 

• Our culture is quick to dismiss quiet, ordinary and hardworking people. We tend to place value on people based on public recognition. While fame has its place, ordinary has its place as well. Not everyone will have fame and fortune so ordinary should not be equated to unimportant

 

·       Gratitude leads to joy…it is a recognition of the small things. Waiting on big things to happen without recognizing the little may set you up for disappointment. Sometimes it is a combination of the little, every day, ordinary moments that make up the big ones.

 

 

·       We've become so serious that we forget to play. Sometimes all we need is play and good laughter to lighten us up. Lifes not that serious. Play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, navigate complex social groups & is at the core of creativity and innovation ~ Dr Stuart Brown.

 

• Be considerate of other peoples feelings. While it's easy to tap away on your keyboard, you have no idea what state of mind the receiving party might be in. Kindness reflected in what you write can do a lot of good.

 

• Please. Sorry. Thank you. Excuse me. - These magic words open doors. No one has ever died from using them. Be humble enough to say them.

Have an amazing week 💙💚💛💜💝

Fighting Sexual Violence is Our Collective Responsibility

Before asking, he warned me by saying I have something to ask and I hope it won't offend you. I told him to go ahead. Then he asked me if he could take me in his arms (direct translation). I immediately said no and moved on to talking about something else. We were watching a programme on TV and the question came out of nowhere. This conversation all happened in French and French can seem unnecessarily intimate sometimes. We lived together, he was one of my flat mates. I reckoned he just wanted a hug but the way he asked, it came off as a bit creepy to me. Sometimes, you click with people and feel comfortable enough to hug each other, it never crossed my mind to hug this colleague.

One day, like every other time, I took a walk with another colleague, which was a normal thing. This one was my buddy, we got along very well. He was one of the ones I was comfortable with and would hug every now and then in greeting. He was quite excited on this day and was chatting away. When we got to the spot we wanted to reach, the view was beautiful. I stood admiring it then I felt someone hugging me from behind. It could only have been him as the other people around were not close enough. I was slightly confused as I stood there. Someone hugging me from behind suggests a few things to me. Unsure of what may have followed, I broke the contact by suggesting that we take a selfie. It worked. Afterwards, he posed for me to take photos of him, and in that moment, I said a silent prayer to God...'please let there be nothing more, let it be that his excitement got him carried away'. As we walked back, we talked as usual but before we could go far, he apologised. He said he was sorry if his action made me uncomfortable. I was relieved and said it was ok especially as I didn't want to walk back with in awkward silence. Then I chided myself for not saying 'if it happens again, that's when we would have a problem'. But I think he was smart enough to know that. 

Digging deep into my faith

Growing up, attending Sunday school and bible study groups in the neighbourhood, I was sure that God cared about us, little children, and we would have these fun bible studies and play games. We also watched Christian videos with children singing at the Colby clubhouse, Kids praise and others. These made Chrsitianity so much fun. We learnt and recited bible verses and even had a dance group.

In secondary school, God was righteous and was to be revered and worshipped. But he was also cool, we had what I could call praise parties, then intense worship. Sometimes some of my school mates went overboard with the righteousness thing but I preferred the cool part so I stuck with it.

As I got older, God was portrayed as holy, in whose presence there was meant to be no sin. God would not shy away from judging whoever was found wanting. For me that judgment was done through his agents in church as examplified by people who worked in church. It was also the time when I saw that one or two girls who were slightly older had gotten pregnant. There was so much talking amongst mothers that it felt like the girls had committed the most unpardonable sin. God was somehow mirrored in that way to me at that stage of my life.

Something remarkable 2

In case you missed the last part, please read it here.

Tare had never spoken a word of Spanish…where was she going to start from? They had talked of her taking Spanish classes, but she was overwhelmed with everything. She was thankful every day that she and her husband spoke the same local language, when she was tired of trying, she would easily speak Yoruba to him instead of English so that no one would understand what she was saying. The big shock for her was how they walked everywhere. Unlike her life in Nigeria where she would jump into her car and go where she wanted, she had to study the train and bus times and plan around those schedules. Manual labour was very expensive so she had to learn to do everything herself. Her husband helped when he could but with his work schedule and knowing that that was their only source of income, she could not complain.

Winter was approaching, so was the delivery. Having a first child and having to deal with everything on her own made her miserable. She spent a lot of time thinking as her husband was not there for her to share these fears with. She was not ready to speak to her mum about these concerns. Her mum would not only get worried but would blow up Seyi’s phone, which might just do more harm than good. Seyi came home tired and somewhat uninterested in all her baby talk most days; she quickly learnt not to bother him with it.

Her bundle of joy arrived one fine snowy day, after 20 hours of labour. The pain is not something anyone can ever prepare you for. But like they say, once you have the baby in your hands, you realise that the pain was worth it. Tare moved into the spare bedroom so that the baby’s constant crying would not bother her husband. He was involved at first but that started to wear out. Communication between the couple was strained and Tare easily focused on her baby, her only source of joy. Postpartum depression kicked in and was worsened by Tare juggling everything. Learning to be a mother on her own, constantly on the phone with her mum when she has no clue what to do. And having to deal with Seyi’s attitude, Tare started to feel unloved, inadequate and her self-confidence dropped all the way to the floor.

Something remarkable

A notification popped up on her phone, it was a friend request on Facebook. This person looked familiar, but she could not place where/if they had met. They had so many mutual friends, so why not she thought to herself. She accepted his request.

He sent messages, but she did not feel inclined to respond at first. A few days later, he buzzed again so she thought she would be polite. Before long, she realised that he drew her in, the guy knew how to hold a conversation. He made her laugh and their banter flowed naturally. She looked forward to chatting with him, which they did daily.

Tare caught herself imagining what it would be like to meet him. The topic came up and they finally set a date for him to visit. She was nervous, she had butterflies in her tummy, but it turned out to be such a beautiful time. She laughed like she had not done in such a long time. There was a strong attraction between them and on that front, she had not been getting any action.

When it all makes you numb...

We visited a village on a work trip and one of my colleagues seemed so fascinated by something. I saw her trying to take a photo but I hardly paid attention as there was a lot happening.

Much later she showed me this photo:

Look closely at the drawing 

Your guess is as good as mine! My heart broke at the realisation.

Since coming to this country, many things that seem to be normal to people here are things that I do not find normal in any sense of the word.